There is this girl I like, she knows I would like to go on a date with her someday. She isn’t sure what she wants at the moment. That’s all fine but I genuinely begin to develop feelings for her. And I just don’t really care all that much for a friendship anymore. It screws with my psyche, it’s like only being allowed to smell a fine wine instead of drinking it. (bad analogy, but fuck it)
I’ve had enough. I just want to tell her I don’t like seeing her on just a friendship level any more. And if she doesn’t see me as a romantic partner, which is totally A-okay fine with me, but it will mean I’m walking away from this friendship all together. At the same time I don’t want to force her to make a decision (she sometimes has trouble saying no). And here’s the real son of a gun, she is highly suicidal and takes endings of friendship badly (as she herself has said).
So does anyone have any advice to spare here? Yes, I’m a terrible person so think of it for her sake. Because the friendship is going to end, one way or the other.
You’re taking the wrong path, I see some things that you may not be considering.
Friendships don’t need to be defined by beginnings and ends. The gentlest way to cool a friendship is to spend less time with them.
Spending time within someone you find attractive doesn’t screw with your psyche. An internal cycle of hope and rejection does.
She already rejected you, you said it in the post. ‘Its not the right time’ is not an invitation to wait, it’s a gentle no (and it’s much worse approach than just saying no). Accept it and move on. If your thoughts wander to oh but maybe we could be together if I do something - remind yourself she said no. If you need further clarification ask again.
Threatening to end the friendship for a romantic relationship has zero good outcomes. If you can’t handle the rejection or don’t want to be her friend, then stop making time to see her. The only reason to explain that it is ‘because you want more’, is the thought that it will change her mind - remember emotional manipulation is gross and rapey but don’t worry you haven’t done it yet. Thinking about things isn’t doing them.
Also, you sound like a young man, so I just want to affirm that the drive to have sex can be wild strong, and make clear thinking hard. It’s okay, just remember you don’t want be with someone who you can get to agree to a relationship with you, you want to be with someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. Everyone is worth that much.
End the friendship now.
She doesn’t want you plus the suicidal ideations complicate matters.
Don’t make it a thing, just stop being in her life slowly. It doesn’t need to be an event, just stop being around her.
I’ve been in the same position. Let her know that it’s too emotionally challenging maintaining a friendship due to your strong feelings. Be prepared to end all contact to protect yourself.
If she’s actively suicidal then she is no place to start a new relationship and I do not think you should be persuing it. Suicidal depression is nothing to fuck with. I hope you understand the magnitude of that. Also you said she has trouble saying no. You really don’t want to end up dating her just because she’s scared to say no. That’s completely fucked up at so many levels.
This girl has to take care of herself and work through her issues. You can support her as a friend, but if it causes you distress then you need to back off and let her utilize her other support systems. If she is telling you she doesn’t know what she wants, then I would listen to her and respect that. You make the choice - can you be her friend only and support her while not feeling bad yourself? If yes, support her. If not, move on. My personal opinion is you should move on and maybe approach her in the future once she’s healthy, if the timing is right. Or just move on and you’ll find someone else.
You gotta shoot your shot and then be prepared to walk away if they’re not interested. It’s as simple as that. I’ve ended a few friendships with women I’ve developed a crush on as once I had a crush, they weren’t really friendships anymore.
Oh that’s easy, you say “I wanna keep seeing you but on a dating level.”
Just be blunt and honest man. It’s that simple.
Removed by mod
100% do it.
No woman should ever take an ultimatum like that, but it’s better for her to know who you are then you creeping around her and growing resentful while she thinks you’re legitimately a friend.
This way everyone goes their separate ways. Eventually you might learn that it’s not an either or thing and good relationships are friendships.
Sometimes things end because someone wants something the other doesn’t. That’s ok. It’s life.
But if you never take the shot, then you’re keeping something alive in hopes of some potential future breakthrough, and that’s not fair to you (or them) either.
So, rip the bandaid off and commit. If that’s not what she wants, that’s on her, and you can move on.
And please, please, please remember— her mental health issues are her own and not yours to solve or navigate like a minefield.
I cannot fathom why you would want to date someone you don’t want as a friend unless you’re just horny about them and misdirecting that into romance.
The problem is that I want more than friendship. It just leaves too much to be desired.
You want all this from someone you say is highly suicidal. You understand that you would be setting yourself up for failure, don’t you?
If she’s not in a good place, then your relationship will suffer. You need to be realistic here.
Honey this is gross she’s better off without ya
The whole world is better off without you and your shithead remarks
I want to be sympathetic but alarm bells are ringing with the immediate juxtaposition of “that’s all fine but I genuinely begin to develop feelings for her” and “I just don’t really care all that much for a friendship”.
If the issue was that it’s painful to be around her until you can work the feelings out, then that wouldn’t be half as bad as saying that she’s not worth keeping as a friend if you can’t date her.
“that’s all fine but I genuinely begin to develop feelings for her” and “I just don’t really care all that much for a friendship”.
Okay I may have not worded it very well there. What I mean is that I don’t want to be in this “friendzone” any more. I really don’t and I don’t see myself being happy remaining as such.
So, if she won’t give herself to you, you can stop wasting your time on her and find someone else to hang around and obsess over?
I recognize this behavior, because I used to do it. Spoiler: it doesn’t work.
Go meet more people, stop treating women differently from men, and remember: getting laid won’t happen until you stop forcing it.
I don’t think it’s wise to treat people you’re romantically interested the exact same you would any other person. That’s how I got into this mess, to be honest. I actually feel like if I were more upfront about it I now wouldn’t have made this post here.
stop treating women differently from men
True and I never have otherwise. But you should absolutely treat people you like differently, at least in the way of what you want with them.
See, what you do is, step 1, buy a mansion. With a huge basement.
Step 2, install several cages in that basement. Full iron bar.
Step 3, hire ninjas to use sleeping darts on her to knock her out.
Step 4, imprison her naked in one of your many basement cells. Each of these cells has a human sized hampster wheel. She now has to run on this hampster wheel all day. Doing so produces electricity, which powers your house.
Step 5, repeat steps 3-4 until all the cells are filled with more naked slaves!
Step 6, install webcams and start a business called “WeRunOnHampsterWheels.com”. Create a new fetish based on bouncy boobs running on a hampster wheel, which you now have a temporary monopoly on, and a head start, and an unfair advantage in being able to create live content 24/7 for free.
Never once show your face in this house. Ever.
Step 7, after years of hampster wheel slavery, you “break into” the mansion, and find this woman you used to know who hasn’t been seen in like 15 years.
Step 8, tell her you COULD get the key hanging on the wall, and set her free…but you only want to see her in a dating sense.
She’ll be so thsnkful that she’ll agree to anything.
Checkmate!
Where am I supposed to get a hamster wheel??
Also, I feel like at that last stage we may as well just remain friends.
See…this is why you’re having trouble finding dates. Women love a man who has his shit together, and has multiple hampster wheels!
I love your commitment to spelling “hampster” with a “p”. At first I thought it was a typo, but now I see it’s crucial to the thing.
But New Hampshire and dumpster have a p…!!
Edit: I JUST FIGURED IT OUT. YOU, CHILD OF THE 90s, IT’S BECAUSE HAMPSTER DANCE WAS SPELLED WITH A P. We are fine, we are sane, but we are still recovering from the 90s Internet. Oh, in so many ways. I can’t believe it took me 30+ years to realize the origin of the P.
Kids these days think they’re going to get a date without building a medieval hampster wheel powered trebuchet first, our education system has failed.
If she’s not a good enough friend that you’re willing to just walk away from her, then dating is probably a bad idea.
It’s nothing about her not being good enough. It’s my own feelings that are in the way.
I disagree with the person you’re replying to - romantic partners and friends have a lot in common but they are not the same thing. And just because you were romantically interested in someone doesn’t mean you owe them friendship. These things are difficult and if you don’t want to keep being a friend for whatever reason that’s fine.
Your feelings for what?
You’ve outlined it in your post. Your conversation is about how you want more than a platonic friendship and if she doesn’t, you are developing feelings and for your own sake cannot continue to hang out.
Whether you could still be her friend via text or on a other level is also up to you, do you need a clean break or can you just “take a break” and reach back out to her when you’re ready or whatever?
Send her this. It’s honest, plus she’ll have time to think instead of feeling pressured to respond instantly.
