As you may have seen from UmmThatGuys post the other day, I’m not on the team anymore. I didn’t get kicked or anything, I just left. Some people may or may not know I’ve been dealing with some shit for the past year. What most people don’t know is that I have not been dealing with it well which is why the extremely sporadic posting that I’ve been doing. Social media stuff was just compounding. Partially out of stress and partially just out of the energy needed. Like I went from responding to a lot of comments on the post to barely any because I just don’t have the energy.

Then this month I’m turning 33. I’ve lied about when my birthday is on here in the past because I actively avoid my birthday that badly. Childhood wasn’t a good time for me and my birthday was less about me and more about my mothers apprehensions. Every year around this time I just get more and more overwhelmed until the day happens. That day feels like I’m drowning. The day after, everything is perfectly fine. Well, that day is getting closer and I’ve been not doing great. Just another thing to add to the pile that has been a lot to cope with.

Few days ago things got to a point and I had like two straight days of panic attacks and made the decision to leave Lemmy. Left some groups that were associated with Lemmy, made Picard top mod of 10F, and made a post saying goodbye. I ended up deleting that very shortly after posting it because it got way more attention than I was expecting which sparked another panic attack.

I might be back. I don’t know when. Maybe a week. Maybe a couple months. Maybe never. Who knows. I won’t be bugging to be added to the mod team or anything, I’m not so egotistical that I need a green M next to my name. Only thing I do know is that this community is everything that I ever hoped for and the mods here are everyone I could have dreamed of. Umm was always on my shortlist of mods to add if ever needed and I could not be happier that he was taken on to fill my space.

Love you guys.

• A tired, tired homo