Try more meetups? There’s always stuff for running, board games, coding, bike riding, bird watching. Just don’t be a creeper who’s cruising instead of doing the activity in good faith.
It’s my understanding that women don’t want to be asked out at such places, the common complaint being that they can’t even enjoy their hobby without guys asking them out.
No , but you can talk to them and make friends. Women like dudes who they can interact with and not have to worry about the dude trying to fuck them the instant they let their guard down. If you show up for the activity and focus on having fun and not just to try and get laid it makes you safer to be around. It has to be genuine though people can pick up on it if you have ulterior motives.
I’m not interested in dating but I have female friends who try to introduce me to women when we go out to bars and things like that because they know how I am and trust me not to be an asshole. By comparison there is another dude in our group who is constantly acting thirsty and going after any woman that shows him even the slightest attention. He does not get the same consideration and has been left out of a number of events because of his behavior. I do understand that that can be a difficult thing to shut down sometimes but learning to do it goes a long way.
Finding romantic and sexual partners is really, really hard for people who are unable to find new friends generally.
It’s a lot easier to meet women to date when you don’t have much trouble talking to women and men you’re not at all interested in dating.
The friend of friend angle remains one of the best filters for finding available partners who might actually be compatible with you. And that pool is a lot bigger when you can get along with people through hobbies and activities, who have already kinda vetted that you’re a good person who is fun to be around.
I can talk to people just fine, when I find people to talk to. But ime most people are busy with their daily lives. Today I’m at work, I’m going to get in my car and drive to lunch, and stop into the grocery store otw home. Sure I can talk to the superficial work friends, but after that it’s nobody (in person) all day. My only in town friend has night shift, so he’s not chillin.
Could I go to the bar? Sure, but again I don’t want to. Could I go to the lake? Hell, might, great day, but I’ll be bringing a joint and a book and finding a quiet spot, none of the runners or bikers want to take out their headphones and chat.
“Friends” beyond the superficial level that is basically natural requires us to not be busy ass 30-somethings.
“Friends” beyond the superficial level that is basically natural requires us to not be busy ass 30-somethings.
Generally speaking, for people who don’t even have the time or energy to foster friendships and superficial relationships that are already in their life, it’s gonna be hard to find, evaluate, and build potential romantic relationships.
That’s what meetups and hobby-based activities are for. They’re supposed to be fulfilling enough for the activity alone, with the added social benefit of new friends added on. If you’d be willing to do that for the possibility of meeting new romantic partners but not the possibility of meeting new friends, that’s gonna be a pretty tough sell even to the potential romantic partners, that you’re not really there to make friends.
Opposite, I could do that (assuming I could even find said groups, what, newspapers?) for friends but not romantic partners, beyond one of them introducing me to someone. I wouldn’t date anyone in the group unless she asked me out because it’s my understanding that women don’t want to be asked out at the hobby they’re “just trying to enjoy” as the complaint often goes. And women, IME, don’t often ask people out. It happened to me once, I blew it because I didn’t even know how to react lol. Tbf it was kinda on her, I said yes and she didn’t follow up with anything. I should have just taken over but I kinda thought she was gonna be like “great friday at 8?” or something but instead I kinda laughed nervously and she just walked away lol.
The part everyone seems to be missing is: I don’t need help conversing, I need to know the locations of like groups of nature loving book readers that actively want to chat and how to find their schedule.
It’s a numbers game. Spend enough time with enough people and someone’s going to like you. I’m a whale and I’ve had partners. I was only normal body weight when I met the first one, next few have been after I went over 100 KG and then around 135. Okay last one was a gold digger but the others were when I was poor (which I am again now lol)
Oh and I’m a sarcastic asshole too, so my personality itself is quite an acquired taste too. It does, however, help that I can keep a conversation going regardless of what the topic is or whether I know you… Especially helps with people who take time to get out of their shells. It’s funny because I’m actually an introvert but as long as you don’t catch me in recovery mode, you could never tell.
The ADHD also helps though. One of the very few areas where it does.
I do think book clubs are still a thing tho. Maybe you need to move to a bigger town?
I’ve had plenty partners, but I met them in the bars I no longer wish to attend regularly due to price of the drinks and that I’m successfully drinking a normal amount and I don’t need to be getting drunk every night again. So the question becomes where meet now? Doesn’t help that I refuse to be scammed by the spyware dating apps.
We sound pretty damn similar (except I’ve always been poor haha). ADHD and all.
Book clubs is a maybe but I read on my own time, and only things I’m really interested in (ADHD lol). Still though, how find? Lemmy is my only social media.
The part everyone seems to be missing is: I don’t need help conversing, I need to know the locations of like groups of nature loving book readers that actively want to chat and how to find their schedule.
You say this, but you’re also in this thread rejecting advice about how to find people because you don’t want to talk to people that you find that way, and telling a story about how you’ve apparently not followed through with someone who asked you on a date. It sounds like you’re self sabotaging by refusing to try.
Edit: and to be clear, my main point in this line of comments is that people with active friendships tend to have a much easier time finding available potential partners. That’s an active part of the search strategy.
Well so far nobody has given advice related to the actual question, just vague platitudes mostly, like “make friends.” “Ok, where they at?” Silence. I don’t have problems talking with people, I have problems finding people my age that are looking to chat in person. Again, once I find them, I’m off to the races, but where are they? Nobody wants to just chat anywhere I currently go, so where are these chatty cathys?
That was years ago, I was a young man who has never been “asked out” outright before or since, of course the humorous anecdote included me fumbling it. You sound like you think know a lot about me from one story a decade old, what are you Google Analytics or something?
so i am in the same boat as you. but here is my plan. any good comic book store/board game place has meet ups. my plan is that if you have a combined goal, such as a board game, you can ignore any tension and awkwardness, and focus on fun!
now one, i have had this plan for a wile and still have issues acting on it.
two, my family a has informed me that women to not go to board game parlors. though they tell me i have to go to church to find love… and that’s a hefty no. but once i get through some stuff i might be acceptable dateing material
Well so far nobody has given advice related to the actual question, just vague platitudes mostly, like “make friends.” “Ok, where they at?” Silence.
The top of this thread was me suggesting meetups. Like meetup.com is still around. I think facebook has a competitor, but I don’t use facebook. There are other local groups, but those are local and I can’t point you to any unless you happen to live in new york city.
I know, X myself, like I said it was a decade ago when I was young as shit and has never happened since so I don’t blame you for doubting.
As to the second part, you “don’t mean to be an asshole,” but you are, and judging my entire life and personality from one decades old anecdote is patently stupid, so, you might be that too my guy. Two can play the asshole game <3.
Yes, that’s what I meant but don’t be a creeper that’s cruising for dates. You can still make friends, and over a longer period of time ask if there’s interest. I don’t have an objective set of rules for this path- almost all of my dates were via dating apps, where interest in dating can be assumed.
Well, good luck getting those guys to listen, the only ones who will are people like me who don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, the guys doing that don’t care.
But then the problem becomes if I misread the “friendship seems like it’s going to be more” signal, some people are nice about it, but some will immediately spread that you’re a creep to the entire group and then you lose your hobby all because of a misunderstanding. And I’m not talking about being pushy or weird, just something as simple as “hey I was wondering if you’d like to go out sometime” can be enough to set that off. It’s happened to me before. I know the tendency of the internet is to immediately assume I asked to fuck her nose or something weird, but no, just “like coffee or lunch or something, no pressure?” Bam, one innocuous question from a misread signal, took no for an answer, am “creep” now.
I also just so happen to be diagnosed, literally, as a fucking moron who cannot get social cues lol. It’d be nice if those “friends that want more” could use their words instead of trying to signal, I don’t speak that language well. Unfortunately that is due to, I believe the medical term is “broken brain,” and cannot be fixed.
I used to have no problem meeting women in bars, but that wasn’t conducive to long term partnerships, perhaps unsurprisingly.
It’s mean and childish of a person who got asked out and declined to publish who asked them out and even how, especially when they’re coining it in such a bad way. I’ve observed these situations too. Some things shouldn’t be gossiped because they can have a very negative impact on the mental situation of some people.
I hope you’re doing fine and working on overcoming that fear. If you actually have a weakness on social clues like that, I think it wouldn’t be too bad of an idea to let them know somehow. I bet most will be very understanding. Most of the time, people are very polite when declining.
Try more meetups? There’s always stuff for running, board games, coding, bike riding, bird watching. Just don’t be a creeper who’s cruising instead of doing the activity in good faith.
It’s my understanding that women don’t want to be asked out at such places, the common complaint being that they can’t even enjoy their hobby without guys asking them out.
No , but you can talk to them and make friends. Women like dudes who they can interact with and not have to worry about the dude trying to fuck them the instant they let their guard down. If you show up for the activity and focus on having fun and not just to try and get laid it makes you safer to be around. It has to be genuine though people can pick up on it if you have ulterior motives.
I’m not interested in dating but I have female friends who try to introduce me to women when we go out to bars and things like that because they know how I am and trust me not to be an asshole. By comparison there is another dude in our group who is constantly acting thirsty and going after any woman that shows him even the slightest attention. He does not get the same consideration and has been left out of a number of events because of his behavior. I do understand that that can be a difficult thing to shut down sometimes but learning to do it goes a long way.
Finding romantic and sexual partners is really, really hard for people who are unable to find new friends generally.
It’s a lot easier to meet women to date when you don’t have much trouble talking to women and men you’re not at all interested in dating.
The friend of friend angle remains one of the best filters for finding available partners who might actually be compatible with you. And that pool is a lot bigger when you can get along with people through hobbies and activities, who have already kinda vetted that you’re a good person who is fun to be around.
I can talk to people just fine, when I find people to talk to. But ime most people are busy with their daily lives. Today I’m at work, I’m going to get in my car and drive to lunch, and stop into the grocery store otw home. Sure I can talk to the superficial work friends, but after that it’s nobody (in person) all day. My only in town friend has night shift, so he’s not chillin.
Could I go to the bar? Sure, but again I don’t want to. Could I go to the lake? Hell, might, great day, but I’ll be bringing a joint and a book and finding a quiet spot, none of the runners or bikers want to take out their headphones and chat.
“Friends” beyond the superficial level that is basically natural requires us to not be busy ass 30-somethings.
Generally speaking, for people who don’t even have the time or energy to foster friendships and superficial relationships that are already in their life, it’s gonna be hard to find, evaluate, and build potential romantic relationships.
That’s what meetups and hobby-based activities are for. They’re supposed to be fulfilling enough for the activity alone, with the added social benefit of new friends added on. If you’d be willing to do that for the possibility of meeting new romantic partners but not the possibility of meeting new friends, that’s gonna be a pretty tough sell even to the potential romantic partners, that you’re not really there to make friends.
Opposite, I could do that (assuming I could even find said groups, what, newspapers?) for friends but not romantic partners, beyond one of them introducing me to someone. I wouldn’t date anyone in the group unless she asked me out because it’s my understanding that women don’t want to be asked out at the hobby they’re “just trying to enjoy” as the complaint often goes. And women, IME, don’t often ask people out. It happened to me once, I blew it because I didn’t even know how to react lol. Tbf it was kinda on her, I said yes and she didn’t follow up with anything. I should have just taken over but I kinda thought she was gonna be like “great friday at 8?” or something but instead I kinda laughed nervously and she just walked away lol.
The part everyone seems to be missing is: I don’t need help conversing, I need to know the locations of like groups of nature loving book readers that actively want to chat and how to find their schedule.
It’s a numbers game. Spend enough time with enough people and someone’s going to like you. I’m a whale and I’ve had partners. I was only normal body weight when I met the first one, next few have been after I went over 100 KG and then around 135. Okay last one was a gold digger but the others were when I was poor (which I am again now lol)
Oh and I’m a sarcastic asshole too, so my personality itself is quite an acquired taste too. It does, however, help that I can keep a conversation going regardless of what the topic is or whether I know you… Especially helps with people who take time to get out of their shells. It’s funny because I’m actually an introvert but as long as you don’t catch me in recovery mode, you could never tell.
The ADHD also helps though. One of the very few areas where it does.
I do think book clubs are still a thing tho. Maybe you need to move to a bigger town?
I’ve had plenty partners, but I met them in the bars I no longer wish to attend regularly due to price of the drinks and that I’m successfully drinking a normal amount and I don’t need to be getting drunk every night again. So the question becomes where meet now? Doesn’t help that I refuse to be scammed by the spyware dating apps.
We sound pretty damn similar (except I’ve always been poor haha). ADHD and all.
Book clubs is a maybe but I read on my own time, and only things I’m really interested in (ADHD lol). Still though, how find? Lemmy is my only social media.
You say this, but you’re also in this thread rejecting advice about how to find people because you don’t want to talk to people that you find that way, and telling a story about how you’ve apparently not followed through with someone who asked you on a date. It sounds like you’re self sabotaging by refusing to try.
Edit: and to be clear, my main point in this line of comments is that people with active friendships tend to have a much easier time finding available potential partners. That’s an active part of the search strategy.
Well so far nobody has given advice related to the actual question, just vague platitudes mostly, like “make friends.” “Ok, where they at?” Silence. I don’t have problems talking with people, I have problems finding people my age that are looking to chat in person. Again, once I find them, I’m off to the races, but where are they? Nobody wants to just chat anywhere I currently go, so where are these chatty cathys?
That was years ago, I was a young man who has never been “asked out” outright before or since, of course the humorous anecdote included me fumbling it. You sound like you think know a lot about me from one story a decade old, what are you Google Analytics or something?
so i am in the same boat as you. but here is my plan. any good comic book store/board game place has meet ups. my plan is that if you have a combined goal, such as a board game, you can ignore any tension and awkwardness, and focus on fun!
now one, i have had this plan for a wile and still have issues acting on it. two, my family a has informed me that women to not go to board game parlors. though they tell me i have to go to church to find love… and that’s a hefty no. but once i get through some stuff i might be acceptable dateing material
The top of this thread was me suggesting meetups. Like meetup.com is still around. I think facebook has a competitor, but I don’t use facebook. There are other local groups, but those are local and I can’t point you to any unless you happen to live in new york city.
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I know, X myself, like I said it was a decade ago when I was young as shit and has never happened since so I don’t blame you for doubting.
As to the second part, you “don’t mean to be an asshole,” but you are, and judging my entire life and personality from one decades old anecdote is patently stupid, so, you might be that too my guy. Two can play the asshole game <3.
yeah, i see you are wonderful conversationalist, aggressive the second someone does not agree with you. keep up the good job, women love that!
Yes, that’s what I meant but don’t be a creeper that’s cruising for dates. You can still make friends, and over a longer period of time ask if there’s interest. I don’t have an objective set of rules for this path- almost all of my dates were via dating apps, where interest in dating can be assumed.
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Well, good luck getting those guys to listen, the only ones who will are people like me who don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, the guys doing that don’t care.
But then the problem becomes if I misread the “friendship seems like it’s going to be more” signal, some people are nice about it, but some will immediately spread that you’re a creep to the entire group and then you lose your hobby all because of a misunderstanding. And I’m not talking about being pushy or weird, just something as simple as “hey I was wondering if you’d like to go out sometime” can be enough to set that off. It’s happened to me before. I know the tendency of the internet is to immediately assume I asked to fuck her nose or something weird, but no, just “like coffee or lunch or something, no pressure?” Bam, one innocuous question from a misread signal, took no for an answer, am “creep” now.
I also just so happen to be diagnosed, literally, as a fucking moron who cannot get social cues lol. It’d be nice if those “friends that want more” could use their words instead of trying to signal, I don’t speak that language well. Unfortunately that is due to, I believe the medical term is “broken brain,” and cannot be fixed.
I used to have no problem meeting women in bars, but that wasn’t conducive to long term partnerships, perhaps unsurprisingly.
It’s mean and childish of a person who got asked out and declined to publish who asked them out and even how, especially when they’re coining it in such a bad way. I’ve observed these situations too. Some things shouldn’t be gossiped because they can have a very negative impact on the mental situation of some people.
I hope you’re doing fine and working on overcoming that fear. If you actually have a weakness on social clues like that, I think it wouldn’t be too bad of an idea to let them know somehow. I bet most will be very understanding. Most of the time, people are very polite when declining.